I discovered this unpublished blog from 3 years ago and decided to put it out there. Chime in if this is something you experience!
I don’t know about anyone else, but I struggle with being or feeling good enough. It plagues me in everything I do. When I don’t feel good enough, I take steps to find validation outside myself that I am good enough. This vicious cycle plays out in my life on a daily basis. The constant battle of trying to prove to everyone, including myself, that I am good enough is getting old and losing its momentum. I just want it to stop.
I really have no idea what I want to say about this topic, other than it’s an on-going battle for me. There is this nagging sense that I’m not alone in this. We are half full, looking to another to make us full, but they are only half full also. So for one of us to be full, someone else has to be empty. I can’t possibly see how that would work, even a little bit, but this is what we do…ALL.THE.TIME.
Living with this sense of not being good enough created so much insecurity and negativity, that I became stuck. I was stuck for a very long time and it only made me angry and difficult to be around. I lashed out often and hurt more people than I even realize. (Please forgive me if you are one of those people!) What an insane way to live! I’m angry and difficult, so please fill me up which will leave you empty and make me full. Like seriously, how could that even work? It can’t and that is why we live in a world were people hurt each other over and over and it gets more and more violent.
When I get in this state where I want to be validated, I find myself getting very distracted. I avoid sitting with this painful feeling by getting on Facebook, asking someone to give me their opinion about me or my work (then getting angry or disappointed), or by numbing my mind with Netflix. I avoid getting to bed at a regular time because when it’s dark and quiet, all the things I’m avoiding will creep in. So I stay up until I’m so exhausted I just pass out. The other night I watched a series until 4am, convincing myself I needed to see the next episode. I didn’t realize until recently that this was the cycle I was living. I just thought I was a night owl. I am to a certain degree, but this is outta hand!
I can feel myself getting frantic in the avoidance. I do so many things at once, just to keep my mind occupied and am unable to enjoy any of it. I’m not present, I’m not involved and I’m not HAPPY! Even though I don’t lash out like I used to, I still find myself playing the blame game in my mind. Someone or something else must be the culprit in my current state of misery and I’m on the hunt to find it!
Finally, when I was triggered to complete annoyance during a conversation, I realized what I was doing. I went for a drive and bawled my eyes out. I walked around in the grocery store, mumbling to myself that I am good enough and only I can validate that need. But it got deeper and more painful as my mind tried to figure out how to meet this painful place in my chest.
I can only imagine what the other shoppers saw! HAHA! Oh yeah, I need to stop looking outside myself.
Anyway, I’m still sitting with it. I can’t solve this problem with my brain. My brain is what got me into this situation to begin with. It’s been trying to solve this problem all along. It says, “Someone else can fill this hole. You just have to find the right person to fill it, keep looking.” Um, no. I have spent at least the last 25 years trying to do that. Well, now that I think about it…
Not to be cliche, but I think I finally found the right person to fill it. It’s me. I can fill my own holes in my own heart. I have to allow the holes to be there, feel them through and become familiar with them. Love the holes. Eventually, the holes will fill up with the love it always needed…from me. Then there are no holes, no being half empty. I can be full. It was always there and the Creator of the Universe has made me whole. It’s only me who sees the half emptiness.
So 3 years later, I realize that by experiencing my emotions around this topic, things are beginning to shift and change. I am feeling so much love for myself and those around me. I am less reactive and more present and am able to flow with life in an organic way. I am finally living in the love that was always there, from the beginning of time.
If you are interested in working through an emotional block, please visit patrahealey.com for more information or to set up a session.