Right Where I Need To Be

I sit here bawling like a baby. I can feel the lies purging up through my chest and coming out in sobs.

“What if no one comes?” I cry over moving my business forward. Flashes of childhood, having just moved to a new town right before my birthday. What if no one comes (to my birthday party)?

“What if no one really does care about me?” I say aloud. Again, I see myself as a child crying into my mother’s lap over a birthday party she was planning for me. Her gentle hand stroking my hair. “They will come,” she says

I have worked for years to get to this very place. My adult life has involved healing from chronic illness and struggling through deep emotional trauma. Here I am on the other side of the hardest parts (or not), ready to soar, and yet, I sit down on the edge of the cliff and cry. I have everything I need to jump. Everything.

I look around me, terrified. I am only just starting to live and think I’m am so far behind. 20ish years behind. This day, my birthday, 20 years ago I just knew I would be married to the love of my life, have many beautiful and happy children, while doing what I loved by the time I was 45. I sit here now with my eyes so full of tears I can hardly see. Instead of fulfilling dreams, I lived wracked with pain, confusion and loss.

But all of that is behind me now! I am healed and free, yet I am overwhelmed and afraid. What if no one likes me?

The sobs come in waves, bending me over in agony. Inside, I step back and watch the emotion flow through me. The dark cloud rising up and out. I see the voice yammering about the “what ifs”. I sit here watching the chaos of emotion and witness the beauty of knowing that I am neither the yammering voice or the emotion!  I exist outside of those things. So amazing. SO AH-MAZING!

Then I hear a gentle voice from behind me say, “OH, but you are Nike. Glorious and Victorious! Rise up and claim your victory! It is now time.”

The tears stopped and the chaos is over. I feel calm now. Maybe I can finally get up and move forward, jump off this cliff and soar to new heights, leaving the old story behind. 

2 Comments Add yours

  1. enoccolino says:

    This was raw. I really enjoyed. It feels good not to be alone in these thoughts.

    1. Thanks! I’m glad to hear others feel the same way.

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